I often get the same question – how did you figure out that you are a lesbian? And how do you know that you fancy women – don’t you turn around for a handsome man? Well, each of us is experiencing and feeling differently. And this is my story…
It was my first year at university – I have started studying IT, as I was interested in computers. At that time I had a boyfriend, who I met at high school. It was not a love at first sight nor chemistry. Rather common interests – he also liked computers, so we have something to talk about. We met at a high school competition and frankly – how many girls do not care about make-up, disco, boys and rendezvous? I think I was one of the few. And also one of the few who did not have a boyfriend. And as I wanted to fit in, he was interested in me and we had something in common, I said to myself “well, at least I will try …”.
After several years I can say that my first (and the last) boyfriend was the best one I could ever have – nice, intelligent, careful, and madly in love with me. He would do anything for me. He was my best friend. And despite all, I was still missing something… I just couldn’t figure out what it was.
One day we went for our first university trip – no family, no partners, only schoolmates. We rented a cottage in the woods, bought food and wine. We were hiking all day long and in the evening partying. And then it happened. I’ve been drinking about a third glass of wine, my head has grazed slightly. We danced, sang and were mad. And then she came, she caught me around the waist. She stared at me, smiled, and then kissed me with passion. I did not understand what had happened. Suddenly I stopped perceiving everything around me – people, music, dancing … I stood there frozen, I did not know what to do. And then I realised – this is what I missed all those years. This is the chemistry everyone talks about.
I could not fall asleep that night. I was still thinking about what actually happened and especially why I liked it. But I did know one thing – I want to experience it again and again and again and again … I was in bed and thinking about it all over … how is it possible? Why do I feel that way? And why don’t I feel the same with my boyfriend? What’s next? I was confused and scared, but one night was not enough to process everything that was so new and inexperienced. It took time. A lot of time…
Few weeks later I broke up with my boyfriend. I already knew it wasn’t working,it’s over. I could not bear his touch – I wanted only her and to experience all of the feelings I had experienced that night. She was always in my mind – what is she doing, where she is, when will I see her again. I was looking forward to going back to school. I was happy that I finally experienced the feelings my schoolgirl’s friends told me about before. Finally I was in love. It was not a man – it was a woman.
At the same time, I started to worry. Is it normal? What do I say to my parents? What do people say? I started searching for all the answers to my questions on the Internet. I was incredibly happy to find a sense of chemistry and love, but also unhappy that it is not as it should be. But I felt like being myself with her. At last, I felt like I was really myself. That I do not have to pretend anything and all my feelings and actions are real.
Unfortunately, my relationship with her didn’t end up with the happy ending – she found her partner with whom she lives and has a baby. We meet from time to time, and although she doesn’t know, I’m really happy she kissed me that night. Otherwise, I would be still thinking about myself and why I am missing something and why I feel like I do not fit anywhere. It took me years to work out who I am, and especially how I want to live. I realised that it is important to know who we are. Only then we will be happy.Published in