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THERE’S ONLY ONE RIGHT WHEY TO GET GAY 

I’ve just finished my training and as I am drinking my protein shake, I remembered this nonsense that my dad triumphantly blurted out on me during our recent fight about how inappropriate my existence as a masc of center gay woman is in this world. We have those on a regular basis, their regularity following my haircuts and/or my unwillingness to wear dress at a formal occasion.

I admit, I came home with a fresh undercut that day. And by “fresh” I mean routine maintenance, nothing new, nothing shocking. I’ve just failed to grow it out, once again. That does it every time.

OK, here we go, round nr. … I don’t fucking know anymore, I’ve stopped counting ages ago. We are in each other’s hair. Not literally, ‘coz there’s not enough hair for that, but … you know what I mean. It goes something like this: “I don’t look like that to hurt you!”, “But you do! Why do you look like that then?”, “Because it is the honest expression of myself. How is it hurting you?”, “People make assumptions about you!!!”, “Right ones, tho!”, “Unfortunately!”, “Yeah, unfortunately, that’s the point, right?! It’s not about how I look, it’s about what it represents to you!”, etc., etc., … In between all that arguing I grab my upper trap, it’s sore from yesterday’s training. That catches my dad’s attention, he pauses for a moment and then announces theatrically: “I know why you’re like this!!! Why you want to look like a man and be gay! It’s the strength training and all those protein shakes you drink! They mess up your hormones and suppress your femininity! You’re all pumped (and while saying that he flexes his arm muscles and makes an “aaaaaagghr” sound which is hilarious because he has nothing to flex) and all about getting strong and that’s not natural for a woman (misogynistic, are we dad?). You need to stop drinking them and you’ll be fine again!”.

My jaw drops. This is ridiculous, I start laughing. He can’t be serious, right?!?!? Damn, he is. Because he tells me to stop laughing! He means it! I stop, so much to unfold. I ask him (as politely as I can) if he knows the difference between protein shakes and steroids. He does. But he is convinced he’s right anyway. I object. His evidence does not stand. In my most feminine looking years I strength trained twice as much and drank 3 times more protein shakes. Objection denied. It all just pilled up and here I am. The result!





There’s no way I’m gonna win this. He just desperately needs an explanation of what and when went wrong with me that I turned out gay. And masculine. He’s that drowning man clutching at a straw. I wonder when he will realize that he’s drowning in a children’s pool. It’ll probably take a while. In the meantime I think I’ll have another scoop of whey. I have this amazing new flavour – white chocolate with coconut. If his theory is right and whey shakes made me gay, I need to have another one, be gayer.

Back in the days, when I used to drink 2-3 protein shakes a day, was addicted to working out, ripped, mostly out of my mind, obsessively tracked my calories and had a lot of fucked up opinions about nutrition, for example that fruit smoothies make you fat, I used to say that “there’s only one right WHEY to drink you calories”. Maybe I shall change that to “there’s only one right WHEY to get gay” … 

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Alex-Rock

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